Futuristic digital man, recovering PR guy, magic beansman, aspiring know-it-all. Chief Strategy Officer at Northern Army. More...

Every kiss begins with a condescending douchebag


I have a love/hate relationship with commercials, and having a PVR has made that all the more clear. I rarely (if ever) watch live TV, so commercials for me fall into three separate categories: commercials I’ll go out of my way to watch, commercials I’ll usually skip, and commercials that send me grasping for my remote control so that I can spare my eyes the horror and stupidity that I know is about to be inflicted upon them.

One commercial that falls into the last category – is for Kay Jewellers.  If you haven’t seen it, please allow me a moment to set the scene for you:

We open on a cabin in the woods at night. There is a storm in the air. As we see inside the cabin, two lovers on a romantic retreat, look out the window at the rain.  The man half of the couple expounds: “In all the years we’ve been coming here, I’ve never seen a storm like this.”

As a thunderclap rings out through the air, the woman, frightened, instinctively buries her head in the chest of her manly companion as if she were a chihuahua. Laughing, the manly companion (who, I should mention here, looks as if he is planning to add her to his collection of decorative rugs made out of human flesh) says, in the most condescending tone ever committed to digital audio, “Don’t worry – I’m here. AND I ALWAYS WILL BE.” [emphasis mine.]

After the sales pitch ends, she looks him in the eye, and responds, “Don’t let go [dramatic pause]… ever.”

Also, there’s something about a necklace in there.

Now, I hate this commercial – this much is true. But my hatred is nothing compared to the seething vitriol it produces in my sweet and lovely girlfriend, which is why I have to think that either there was not a single woman in the room when this spot was conceived, or those women were too busy being scared by thunder to realize what a condescending piece of crap it is.

Commercial stereotypes are the laziest form of “creative” under the sun, and that goes for the bumbling dad who can’t cook dinner without burning it as much as it goes for the wilting flower of a fiancé who needs a big strong man to protect her from loud noises.

At this point, I think that this spot (and frankly, almost every other commercial they air regularly) has built up so much negativity, that if I ever presented my sweet and lovely girlfriend with a box from Kay’s, I’m afraid it would be thrown in my face.

Though in fairness, I wouldn’t be able to resist saying the line from the commercial, so I would probably have it coming.

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  1. Only the woman who is afraid of the storm would even go to that cabin in the first place. A confident woman would have said, there’sa big storm, lets stay in the city where the lights are more likely to stay on and cuddle here. I am glad to know that I am not on the only person who thought the commercial was creepy. If I am scared a necklace is not going to cut it.